From GypsyNester.com
I'm an advice column junkie. I can't help it. I kick off my morning with a frothy soy latte, my “Crack”berry and a heavy dose of the “Dear crew”. When I'm lucky, I can persuade David to play along with a game of “What would Abby do?” If he's is in a particularly sporting mood, we can delve far beneath the layers of the written word. What if the husband, “Chip,” is really in need of Viagra, and is not, in fact, having an affair as “Horny in Hoboken” thinks? What if the meddling mother-in-law, “Madge,” has a point-- maybe “Good Mommy in Leavenworth” is, indeed, a bad mommy. Normally, I can convince myself that it is a game of good clean fun. The anonymity of Chip, Madge and Horny are fascinating and comforting--these semi-fictitious characters have problems too.
Today's column was just plain disturbing. It involved a mother who is a newly retired homeowner with an outstanding mortgage. Unless she was the CEO of a major publicly traded corporation, this lady is on a whopper of a fixed income. Now get this—she has two butthole sons, aged 22 and 24, living in her home and she has asked them to pitch in and pay $30 a week. “Stressed-Out Mom” says that they are now “ranting and raving and calling her a bad mother.” She goes on to ask if she is being unreasonable. What?
Kick those pot-smoking, Cartoon Network-watching, little punks out of your house! How can you even ask if you are being unreasonable? It's time for you to grow some balls and live the life that you have worked your butt off for. They are friggin' able-bodied men who are completely taking advantage of your enabling ways. Are you going to raise their kids, too? Because sooner or later, one of them will actually get a date with a loser girl who doesn't care that she's seeing a guy who lives with his mommy. Then you are going to have quite the zoo on your hands.
I'm sick and tired of hearing about Boomerang 'Kids' and how hard it is for them to make it on their own in the big, bad world. Granted, our generation tended to be more involved with our children's education, nurtured their every talent, made sure they were safe from balloon-related latex allergies--but the helicoptering MUST stop at some point. The longer we wait, the bigger and badder the world will seem to our offspring.
“Stressed-Out” should have started her sons along a different path a long time ago. Isn't part of the job to teach your kids to care for themselves? I didn't raise my son and daughters to be good kids, I raised them to be real adults. That means once they are of age—they are on their own. They began hearing about this early and often. As they headed off to college, they didn't expect to hear, “Honey, come back any time things get hard.”--“Watch out for the screen door,” was a bit closer to the mark. They know I love them. Enough to want them to have lives they are proud of.
That's not going to happen in my basement.
Veronica, GypsyNester.com
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Boomerang "Kids"
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19 comments:
Amen! You are right on the mark!! I often stare in amazement at some of the people I know--even people who are related to me--who have this situation with their 40-somethings!!!! WHAAAATTT????!!!! People MY age who have NEVER had to pay ALL of their own bills in life?!! It astounds the mind!! Whether the reason is divorce, layoffs, childcare issues, substance abuse issues, etc.--I still do NOT get it!! To the adult-moochers: Where is the pride and dignity? How dare you?!! SHAME ON YOU!!! To the aging parents who are OBVIOUSLY co-dependent enablers: GET HELP NOW!! What person in their right mind would allow their grown-ass offspring to continue to live off of them all of their lives?!! It is absolutely mind-boggling!! I would NEVER allow myself to mooch off of MY parents like that, and I would NEVER allow my GROWN children to do it to me!! Yes, families love each other and are there for each other, but it isn't suppose to be like THAT!! Oh, boo-hoo: life IS expensive! Ever think of how dear old mom and dad are handling the tough economy? Maybe THEY would be doing a LOT better if they could concentrate on THEIR golden years instead of throwing it all away on their lazy offspring!! I am completely on board with the "Sell the Nest" idea!! When the baby birds fly away, the mom and dad should, too! They should downsize and live where THEY want to live and how THEY want to live--just as the younger generation should be doing. I completely agree: if the lazy-good-for-nothing CAN'T come home to his or her old room because it is GONE--if mom and dad now live in a small condo on the beach--there is MUCH less chance of even THINKING of moving "back home". That is EXACTLY what we plan to do--there will be no "coming home to grandma's house" for the holidays either--I would much prefer if we all meet somewhere to celebrate the holidays together. Better yet--we could all gather at THEIR place because my tiny condo won't hold everyone!! Great idea!!
So true!
My husband is 26 and I am 23, we have a 16 month old son. Times are tough, my husband is unemployed, we live on a very small income for a family of three. But I would never ever imagine asking for a handout or expecting to be able to move in with my Dad or with DH's parents. Yes, we have made mistakes and sometimes asked for a small loan to get a used vehicle or something like that. However, we have always paid it back as soon as we could.
We have had to rely on food banks and sometimes been close to having services disconnected. But we are living. We have never went hungry, our son has everything he needs and a whole lot more then that too, and we have a roof over our heads. It's tough, but I feel so much better about myself knowing that we are doing this on our own then I would if I was living with my in-laws and had more money.
I agree. It's not only the "enabling" problem--these kids are being robbed of their adulthood. It's hard out there, but it is for everyone. I am glad of the stuggles of my early adulthood--sure, it seemed awful at the time--but it shaped who I am now. I take pride in every accomplishment--should we take that away from our kids?
Right on Gypsynester! I agree whole heartedly! Too many young parents try to be their kids' best friend. That's always a mistake. Many of this generation's offspring are spoiled brats who think the world owes them everything and are too lazy to work for what they want!
Is that for real? My oldest son lived with me for a short time while in college then with his father for a short time. However he held a job and took care of his stuff and gave me money. I can see help for a little while but not long term, I believe that is called enabling, and they will never be responsible for themselves. Are they going to help her when she gets older or sick or loses her home?
You may begin your day with a soy latte, but mine begins with a toi lette. If you don't want Boomerang kids, you'd better start training them early. Besides, they'll feel better about themselves.
Well, I guess I'm the first to submit a POSITIVE comment on empty nesters having a college grad move back in; he has been so helpful in preparing meals, assisting with grocery shopping, doing laundry,contributing to finances as much as will allow and yes, his room is chaotic (if he can find his stuff, that's ok), and yes he does leave occasional messes after a snack or meal, but sometimes so do I. I haven't been myself for some time now, with health issues, but have been so glad to have him around just to know someone's here (he does have an internet job on the computer and can work whatever hours he chooses). His sense of humor and fun is just what I need; at times, if it's not, I just get in my car and drive somewhere for awhile, or if tired or want to just be alone, go to my room for quiet and rest. Hope there may be others out there who might feel the same; none of us are perfect or ever going to be; I guess I'm just learning to feel more greatful for all my blessings; I will always have those blue days, aches and pains, people who will disappoint me or get on my nerves (even my son and wonderful husband), but thank God we CAN rise above all that and try to see the good and accept what we cannot change.
Well said Gypsynester,
My kids are 22 and 24. I believe I have taught them to be "real adults" and hope they picked up some training as "good kids"
I love to stand back and watch them discover the joys and trials of being on their own. They love it.
Yeah that whole helicopter thing is so crippling for them and exhausting for the parent.
I know what she means, but I am thinking of whether when that time comes I could kick my kids out into the street. I say I certainly hope not, but I would not buy or prepare their meals unless they chipped in and helped cook. I would uninstall my telephone for 1 cellphone (for me) instead, lock away my bathroom supplies, laundry soap, etc, and start forcing them to pay their own bills. That is, of course, if they were out of college and just refusing to grow-up.
Boomerang Kids are a product of parental coddling....and the public education system that rewards second-rate work and instill non-competivity, and teaches the inner workings of a government free ride.
As long as these kids are out there....and their ranks are growing by leaps and bounds....My work ethic will always look good to an employer and I will always have a job.
just look at whats becoming of the country...no different than the microcosm of home and school.
I'm gonna e-mail this to a few life time nannies, ducking the boomerang's smacking the side of the house.
I totally agree! I left home for college at 17 (almost 18) and never went back. Although my parents helped pay for college, I was totally on my own otherwise. My kids are only 10 and 12 but we are preparing them to do the same.
Amen....Kids, we love you dearly but we had the locks changed!
Yes I believe the mark of success in parenting is your child’s ability to fend for themselves.
That is what your job as a parent is.
We have done ourselves a massive disservice with this coddle-the-kids generation.
The goal of parenting is to teach children how to live responsibly on their OWN.
How can they do that if their parents are constantly helping them out?
I dropped my oldest at the door of his college and waved goodbye. And so it should be.
My job was DONE.
Excellent Tips!
Health Advice
I did have my daughter move back in due to a break up and it was very hard on our relationship. She was (and is, of course) an adult but to me she was still my child.
I would let them move back in if it was the last resort but I'm a fan of allowing them to work things out through their own resources...my mother did that with me and I've never been back, even through the rough times.
I won't have slugs in my basement, no matter who theyre related to.
Everytime I draw the line with one of my children it moves.
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