One of our readers sent me an email that really touched me:
“I am not completely an empty nester unfortunately. My 20 year old son was not able to return to college this fall because of the lack of loans and grants available to him. So now he is doing nothing except for playing the computer game WoW (World of Warcraft) most of his waking hours. He did just purchase a small business that will make him a small living, but I pray he goes back to college. He is very bright and it would be such a waste if he didn't.
Hannah”
Hannah, my heart goes out to you. As a mother of three adult children who has gone though -- and is currently going though -- the college years with all of its glories and pitfalls, I can only try to put myself in your shoes and offer this advice:
Your son needs a game plan -- and fast. Otherwise, by the time he gets his face out of the fake world of online gaming, this crucial part of his life will pass him by. I agree with you wholeheartedly, he needs to get his butt back in school. You need to take action soon or you will find yourself enabling your son to continue this lifestyle indefinitely. And that would be tragic.
It’s time to sit down with your son and have the BIG TALK. If your son’s father is in his life get him on board as well. Be sure your emotional ducks are in a row beforehand, you need to be strong for this. Your son’s future is at stake.
Start by asking if it is his desire to return to college. If the answer is no (and let’s hope not), the discussion becomes clear. He must move out. He needs to get a second job while he builds his business, pay his own rent (and internet access). People do it everyday. Staying under your roof is only going to hurt him, he will continue down the same path. He is 20 years old, a man, and needs to start acting like one. Period.
If the answer is yes, he needs to keep up with his studies. Have brochures for local community colleges on hand. Encourage him to research the classes that offer credits transferable to the university he plans to attend. Explain to him that college admissions officers will be more willing to accept him back into the fold if he shows the drive to continue his education no matter what the circumstances.
In addition to school, he needs to work. I know how rough the job market is and it might not be a job he wants, but it’s the real world and he’ll love getting out in it. My own kids worked in restaurants all through school to offset costs and it was good for them. Offer to start a bank account for college, insist that he deposit every penny he makes into it and show him the results after every deposit. Let him know that if the money doesn’t ultimately go towards school, you’ll take a chunk for room and board before the sum is returned to him.
NOW is the time to apply to schools, if he hasn’t already set up a deferral with his former university. Our new presidential administration is talking about expanding the loan and grant system, so if things change, your son will be ready to take advantage of it. In addition, he needs to explore private scholarships available to him. State universities with programs in the field he is pursuing in are great alternatives, as they are less expensive, so encourage him to apply to some of these as well. None of my children decided to take up the offers of their top college choices because they were offered better deals elsewhere. It was a tough choice for them to make, but a mature one and it turned out just fine. The starting place for scholarships, college searches and application requirements is College Board.
There is a possible screw in the works you need to be aware of. MMORPGs (Massively multiplayer online role-playing games) like World of Warcraft are an increasing concern for parents and members of the mental health community. Addiction to online gaming has been linked to job loss, the college dropout rate, stunted social skills and death. I’m not kidding about the death part. Treatment facilities are cropping up all over the world, including residency programs in Europe and Asia.
If you feel your son needs help kicking WoW, there is help and I encourage you to read this message from Online Gamers Anonymous:
Help! I think my adult child is addicted to video games!
I hope at least some of this helps you Hannah, and I wish the best of life to you and your son,
Veronica, GypsyNester.com
BTW, a good article follows here:
CBS NEWS: “Can a game truly become an addiction? Absolutely, Young tells WebMD. ‘It’s a clinical impulse control disorder,’ an addiction in the same sense as compulsive gambling.”
Thursday, February 5, 2009
What in the World of Warcraft is This Guy Thinking?
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6 comments:
great advice.
I like the blog. I found it from a link off teebeedee.com
I sometimes worry I am addicted to a facebook game, mafia wars.
No Mummy to look after me ( well, not right here anyway)
I must pull myself together and stop playing the damn game!
What kind of business will make you a living while you're spending all your time on line??? I'd like to buy into several like that...
Where did the money come from to buy the business, while he doesn't have enough to get back into school???
Your advice was spot on. The decision is 1) If he's really serious about going back to school that fact has to be demonstrated by his willingness to devote a LOT of time to getting a DETAILED plan in place to do it. It should have specific objectives and specific dates. If circumstances change (beyond his control) he must come up with a recovery plan - with action items he is to take and a new schedule for taking them.
If this is unacceptable to him, then you're right again. Set a reasonable, near-term schedule for him to be out of the house.
The real world ain't easy and it ain't fair - but it's the only world we've got and we've got to live in it.
Tough love - by far the best you can do for him.
Hi, There is a much larger problem present. Unless you want to have your son living in the basement at the age of 40 I suggest you disconnect the Internet immediately. Seriously, turn off the cable or DSL. The big talk should include a generous but specific time when as to when he is in school, or in his own apartment.
Good Luck
Be aware gaming can be a very good career. Maybe not WOW but there many opportunities in OLG and gaming in general to be had that can be very profitable. Even the military is looking for good gamers. This is a billion dollar industry. I am not discounting problems. There are various serious problems that can occur with OLG. It is not to be taken lightly. But there are more possibilities than in professional sports.
Hum....my experience with two children who have dropped out of college was that it is important to make it clear that they are going to have to support themselves if they are not in college.....starting NOW....like give them a close deadline to do their own thing. I said something like: "I don't agree with your decision, but I respect your right to make it. You are a grown up now, making your own decisions. I wish you the very best, but I can not support an independent adult. You will need to find a place to live by the first of the month."
Then I STuCK TO IT. Amazing things happened. Once they moved out, life had a way of teaching them the lessons they needed to learn. If I had not done this at that time, they would have not had the "opportuntiy" to learn.
It wasn't pretty to watch, but it was what they needed, just as much as they needed to be spanked when they ran into the street at three years old. I kept reminding myself of that....everytime, I felt weak around the knees.
They're doing great now...!!!
ONCE THAT IS DONE....PRAY, OFTEN!! GOOD LUCK....
I wholeheartedly agree that the kid needs a reality check, big time. If Hannah hasn't taught him self sufficiency when he was growing up, it's time for a crash course. The kid is going to be plenty pissed off at first....they need to set a timetable for this. First off he needs to get a job doing something -- doing anything. Working at McDonalds, walking dogs, shoveling snow, whatever. I notice she says he bought a business, so what's going on with that? Is he working? Apparently not--if he's still playing games.
The second step is to teach him some basics about money management... rent, food, gas, insurance, beer money, movie money...get busy adding up how much it costs.
Third, take action. Set a timetable. Did you give him 2 months, 3 months, to save up enough to pay the security deposit on an apartment? How about furniture? Does he have champagne taste or is a couch from a garage sale good enough? What about household goods - plates, silverware, towels, sheets, cleaning supplies? Has he ever heard of the Salvation Army or Goodwill? You can get a lot of stuff there for not a lot of money.
Last, and sorry, Hannah, he IS smart. He found out a way to get you to support him while he plays video games. Either he wants to go to school or he doesn't. If he wants to go that badly then if you agree, he can save money while living with you, in order to pay for his education. He can go to the community college and take 1 or 2 classes per semester. If he doesn't want to go that badly then you oughta take action as stated above.
Yep, who wants your kids around when they are 30 and raising a family of their own?
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